Music to accompany my words: "Moonlight Mile" by the Rolling Stones. It perfectly summarizes this illuminated path one must traverse by moonlight to find their way home.
IN THIS MOMENT, relaxation seeps through my hardening shell of existence. To get here, though, IN THIS MOMENT, I've walked through the precipitous mountaintop of my ability to give in to what I can't control or continue to try to control the uncontrollable.
I've been hiking through the dark recesses of my psyche for some time now, and I continue to find myself beguiled by strange shimmering truths hidden in the gloom of a perceived cup being half full. That is not to say that I am not thoroughly enjoying the odyssey- because I am. HERstory is weaving a tale within an odyssey with so many diverging paths that every juncture is akin to finding an Easter egg, heedless.
Fuck it. I've amassed enough Easter eggs, for now. All of them etched into my memory just as their graven colorful bodies. Each gathered nugget carefully placed into my toolbox (anybody who knows me knows that I detest this word). I only recall hearing toolbox in the past decade or so. Admittedly, I struggle to keep up with evolving vernacular.
That goes for 'moral compass' as well...I mean, it perfectly describes, metaphorically, right from wrong, yet I resist many contemporary neologisms. Why is that, I wonder. Is my moral compass pointed to True North? Should it, instead, be south-facing? Perhaps mine needs de-magnetizing. Yes, that's it!
I digress. That was a muddy path I awkwardly stumbled upon; toolbox, etc...
Returning back to my eggs, I have a story of one divergent path (is it really 'divergent' though if I don't know my destination). You know, at times running with the 'cup half empty' can be really complicating...
So, as the story goes, I have been working my way through classical literature for a long time. As with contemporary neologisms, I'm not too focused on contemporary literature, perhaps because I have this (incorrect) idea that it is associated with contemporary issues. Whatever. My mind. My ideas. I simply associate the two as being too close to our daily global lives and that feeling of 'unease' of not knowing what will happen in the future due to current geo-political events that we can't escape- try as we might using our toolboxes of indulgences to abate from reality.
Back to the story... my current attention-span is limited as I'm solely focused to complete one transaction in life that will lead to the next chapter. I'm usually a bit more unconscious with my transactions, but this one is pretty fucking cool.
Yet another digression... Logically, I can't read all works of famous literature, but I can sure try. Often I'll substitute a novel with a movie version (no need to judge; it's simply logical to do so). I still haven't read any Emily Brontë (or any of the other Bronte sisters), and since I'm in a gothic mood, I chose 1939's Wuthering Heights to abate myself from my perceived worries as other abatements I wasn't in the mood for dealing with. :) The storyline (spoiler alert: I am not enjoying it) seems to be mirroring my own gothic internal wanderings as of late.
The moors, although bountiful of heathers that Heathcliff and Cathy delight themselves in, taking in its musky scent, hide destructive (sensual?) emotions. Cathy is annoying me as she flip-flops in her desires to follow her desires (Heathcliff) or fall victim to societal norms in how a 'lady' should think (retreating to 'settling for Edgar'). As a result of her indecision (very early Gothic), my decision was to take this movie in 15-minute chunks so as to process.
I like that the movie starts with Cathy's beguiling ghost is scratching at the window, ratt-a-tat-tat, during a storm and Heathcliff is freaked out. The storyline seems to be full of emotional arson with the protagonists finding the way through the fog in the moors. It's honestly hard to watch. Here I feel that reading the novel would give me a completely different analysis. Oh well... My ghost seems to be recalling the care-less days of Santa Cruz and Maui. My memories are seeping out of Pandora's Box, vying to be first in the queue to leave an imprint in my mind of the smell of the heather in the foggy moors, calling out to me, "Holly, wake up and LET ME OUT." I do not suffer the consequences of opening Pandora's Box, though. I prevail.
Catherine's ghost calls out, ""I’ve come home: I’d lost my way on the moor!" Cathy had been wandering the moors for 20 years. Have I? I've been living outside the U.S. nearly 20 years. Have I 'come home'? Am I 'coming home'? Where is 'home'? Destination Unknown has been my anthem for long, how do I accept the possibility of Destination Known? I'm right at the point of 'cup half full' is filling up, and the pure joy of knowing this fills my vessel with the positivity that I crave.
While my ingrained 'half empty' logic whispers these escaping memories should be anathema, I change course- choosing the higher path- inviting my cup to overflow, turning my ghosts into an anthem of my journey to Destination Known. Fuck true north. My compass coordinates are fixated on 41°42′N 8°49′W (more on this later)... The escaping memories feel like a benediction in the dark. Perfect timing to get outta my head from overthinking shit I can't control.
But... a lasting Debbie Downer thought enters a chamber set deep inside my mind, yet persists on manifesting front and center: In the Thoth Tarot, the 7 of Cups is unbalanced overflow. Or, am I moving from a place of containment to a place of abundance?
Oh geeze, overthinking again. I'm going to get back to the movie and see how it ends.
A compass is a cool device. When pointing at something, it tells you which way you are going, but it doesn't imply that you are on the right path. Not even tarot cards divulge this nugget. I'll just continue to float along through my chapters to continue with HERstory because the heathers in the moors smell fucking amazing.
current conclusion: logic fails to abate the tide of memory, cup overflows with delight
NOTE: I'm not editing...
Lyrics to Moonlight Mile:
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