lines of communication

Goodness, it's raining inside! Fortunately only a sprinkle, yet outside the heavens are still unleashing a furious downpour. The holiday weekend meant lots of time to catch up on yoga & sleep most importantly.   I started thinking about how remote of a place I have put myself in. I laugh as it became apparent while having lunch with friends on Saturday after yoga class and their friends visiting from Los Angeles. Such a different way of life yet yoga brought us together. Such a different set of priorities yet the ocean brought us together.

The ocean really is a conveyor and not an isolator. Thank you Mr. Heyerdahl for that insight. In relaying his mates' voyage across the eastern Pacific in a raft constructed of balsa logs from the jungle of Ecuador halfway through the 4300 nautical mile voyage he stated, "when we were halfway across, we were about 2000 sea miles from land both ahead and astern. We felt we were living in a strange world- 'east of the sun and west of the moon'".

It is this spirit of adventure, not entirely for sport but for research in to man's past... this is da kine! I have been swept away with this book wanting to fly through the pages but instead wisely choosing to listen intently to every word & let it's meaning convey itself, it's truths, in an unfolding mystery that is both satisfying & nourishing for my soul. This is my reality show of choice.  His descriptions of accounts thrill me. They lull myself out of the comforts (not that I have many...) of my existence. They provoke me to delve deeper into myself and see what I am really made of. The instigate a new chapter's inception.

There are no limits to communication- only if one chooses not to communicate. I have continued to learn upon this notion. What about the time traveling through the Sahara during 9/11 & the compassion shown to me by Tuareg Berbers from Morocco & Algeria? What about the time in Italy researching my family lineage equipt w/only a copy of our family tree & finding myself knocking of the door of "a Formolo" in Sporminore & only being able to speak Spanish to him? And then THAT time, and THAT time, and there was THAT time...etc.

So why is it so difficult to communicate among English first language speakers sometimes? Do we take conveying meaning for granted? Do we just consider communicating our lexical choices to be defined by the most popular usage of a term? Do we not know enough about our own language family to consider variations of meaning? Do we read things and only see what we want to see? Am I just an odd linguist who expects others to understand nuances of morphology, lexicon & phonology in relation to pragmatic usage? Hah, this last is likely!

If one looks at the greater scale of things in society though, so much of our perceptions are messed up. All channels of communication are strained concerning politics, economics and culture- on a global level. Miscommunication is present at every level of society. I have no answers, only thoughts. I think people need to travel more- outside their comfort zones. I believe when outside one's comfort zone, this is when you open up to the unknown. We can look back to our ancestors to see this. We are wanders, Homo sapiens: we are bi-pedal, we have large brain capacities, we have physical shells (our skin) that protect our internal organs, we manipulated tools to procure food, clothing & shelter. We radiated out of Africa to all reaches of the planet because we are social creatures. We are curious by nature & desire to not only understand our environs but influence them as well.

I continue to work on myself to keep my lines of communication open. Why- because it is necessary. Because I enjoy surrounding myself with these intrepid adventurers and because it is a meaningful existence for me. We are higher beings. We have been given the ability to communicate & convey meaning in so many different ways. We should hone our skills every chance possible.

Time to seize the day-

thanks giving for yoga gratitude: tales from the mat & beyond

I love this picture taken today after our morning practice. I wish the entire class would of been in the picture because we are a tribe. A tribe of people giving gratitude to our ancestors before us who show us this path of gratitude for our bodies health & well being. It's even more than that. Collectively as a group of yoga practitioners we shared feelings and good vibrations for 2 hours & that works on a synergistic level & penetrates our physical entities. Such goodness emitting from a dedicated group of people has to make a change. It has to matter on such a profound level. It just has to. I know it to be truth. To top it off I met 2 new people in class: Bob & Tane. What is interesting is that Bob heard me talking to Diana about possibilities in American Samoa & he looked at me & said, I lived there for 6 years... Then he looked to Tane, another yoga teacher new to the Islands, and said, "She's thinking about moving to AS" & then he looked back at me & said, "Tane is Samoan". So 2 people new to my life are connected to Samoa & I'm becoming connected to Samoa in my researches. It's just funny how this game of life works...I am being lured to Samoa... I like it.

After a 2 1/2 hour class I cruised back to Bamboo Mountain- where I live to attend a community `awa ceremony. `Awa or Kava Kava was brought to Hawaii with the ancient Polynesian voyagers. "It is valued as an intoxicating drink and as a medicine. `Awa is also a sedative, used as a sacred plant for prayer, as well as appreciated for pleasure, especially in the south Pacific islands. It assists in opening communication channels with others and with the elements."

http://www.canoeplants.com/awa.html



We sat up on the hill where the forest opens up to the sky & brilliant sunlight flooded our ceremony through the majestic palm trees swaying in rhythm with the trade winds. A light rain squall rolled in at the end of the ceremony & it was just pure gratitude. As each participant takes the `awa cup in the hand & gives an offering to our ancestors, or future generations & to present existence they drink from the cup and with cup in hand have a platform to speak. I have participated in these ceremonies before- both in Hawaii and in Fiji & well... the sense of ritual and communicating with & receiving direct ancient spiritual knowledge from direct descendants of ancient Polynesian voyagers... unexplainable. We shared an amazing Thanksgiving meal  & wine & conversation. I am so grateful for what I have. I might not have much in the way of material possessions, but I know love. I know I am loved.

Going rogue- in the style of Hollyday

So I'm pondering professionalism this weekend- in between edits on my final paper submission for school. To take time off from writing really necessitates writing something else- like an entry in my blog, so as to continue with writing...of some sort. Don't worry, this volume will lead into professionalism at the appropriate time.  First I'll distract you all with scenes from one night in Kula... Maui really is a wonderland. It is amazing how many different environments are wrapped up into a small Pacific island. Seriously, it was COLD last night- in the upper 40's. The smell of Eucalyptus was intoxicatingly seductive.

I had a long evening of draft revisions planned but thankfully my considerate hijackers whisked me away to the enchanting Eucalyptus forest in Kula atop Haleakala near an elevation of 2500' amsl. It was my 1st hollyday party of the season: a black/white/red attire affair outdoors under the starry night with the most incredible food & drink & entertainment at the outdoor ampitheatre. It quickly turned to freezing but the party continued on with a HUGE bonfire just down the path from the band, or yea, and the open (in every sense of the meaning) bar.  A good time was had by all & the MOST amazing bacon wrapped chestnuts appeared outta nowhere... Kudos goes out to the man attending the meat station. It was so tender and succulent juicy diving morsels coming off the fire... Red Velvet cupcakes, Haupia/chocolate pie... SO MUCH FOOD! It was just a sweet bohemian gathering of Maui peeps enjoying each other. Ancil's band played 2 sets & they just rocked it. Rasha is all throaty w/her sultry voice! Just fabulous evening & I'm happy to reflect on it. I'm also happy I pilfered some Red Velvet cupcakes when leaving for... right about now... along w/my coffee in bed!

This transitions into my thoughts about professionalism. I have never really considered how I should 'present' myself to my professional community because, well this is me. I am strange, I am goofy, I am nerdy, I am wild, I am dedicated to enjoying life to the fullest, I am professional when I need to be- which is a lot of my waking hours... So in doing some initial research of how I want to advance my career I have been doing some investigative research on potential jobs, bosses and locales. I've contacted many colleagues from my past from jobs we have worked on and this has been fantastic in itself to re-connect on this level. Now I am wondering how professional I'm supposed to be about it all though? I mean everybody I know well enough to trust giving me feedback knows me, knows who I am, what I am capable of, and what kind of situation I am looking for that will compliment my background.

What I haven't really considered though is that these potential situations might be researching me as well!  Will they be googling me? Will they find this blog? Will they read it? Should they read it? Should I care?  Certain camps are of the thought that I should protect myself & I initially thought so but then I really delve into the chemistry of the situation: All this evidence of myself is me. It is me how I really am so why wouldn't I want a prospective employer to check it out & see if I am right for them? I don't know, I'm pretty proud of what I have accomplished in this life so far- all the while living life with my special flair simultaneously working very hard to build a career I am proud of.

I recall once a few years back when telling my boss I was leaving for 4 months to go backpacking from Africa to Turkey that I needed to do this and it would make be a better worker and I would come back more charged and a better person, and worker, for it. He looked at me, amazed, and signed my vacation request... I think he was impressed that I had the balls to just tell it from my heart. I wish more people would just 'tell it from the heart'. I seem to have less & less tolerance for people that can't just fess up and speak their truth. Certainly this is the case for men as of late. I hope not so for any potential employers of mine because what you see, & read, is what you get. What can I say, it's so simple an equation really.

That said, I am ready to elevate my mind to the next challenge. If any of you potential employers are blog-stalking me I thank you. You will not be disappointed. Let me just tell you what I envision for myself: I'm ready to become part of a multidisciplinary research cooperative. I'm ready to make a difference through my work. I'm up for the challenge of exhausting days in the field collecting data, analyzing data, grueling hard labor and all the while benefitting myself as well and gathering my own data that will take me further into my research so I can articulate what my future PhD research will encompass. It will take on elements of ESL/EFL, it will take on elements of anthropology/archaeology/ethnography, it will take on critical applied linguistics. And you know what, I'm going to LOVE every excruciatingly painful, sunburnt, sleep-deprived, fantastic, life-altering minute of it... So, I suggest you consider your choice wisely because I'm a keeper. Oh yea, I'm not all that keen on monitoring bulldozers & excavators anymore. I'll do it as it's always a great time to listen to my favorite podcasts (NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell, The Watchercast ((thanks Katie-girl!)), No Agenda w/Adam Curry & John C. Dvorak, Savage Love ((yes I am female & have urges...)), Naked Archaeology, Grammar Girl's Quick & Dirty Tips, Filmspotting, Acoustic Long Island, 3 Wine Guys (("Let the Whining Begin...")), Accordian Noir, Net @ Night, Brooklyn Jazz Underground, NYC History: The Bowery Boys and so many more) and it is really good exercise and a fantastic butt workout so I do like this element of it, but it is really dusty, noisy and mind-numbing as well.

I've loved it that some of my most respected friends in the industry and giving me feedback so readily. The sky really is the limit from here: Guam, Micronesia, Hilo, Oahu, American Samoa, Pacific Islands, New Zealand, Istanbul, Poland: I'm not going rogue, I've been rogue...

what's you got cooking?

The unbearable lightness of being- of sorts. I am full of glee that the stress is lifting from my body. I have been so wrapped up for months, years in academia, and keeping it so together so as to not falter off course. I have disciplined myself with all-work-and- school-and-hardly-any-play-make-Holly-stay-on-track blah blah blah. Time to cut loose and reap the benefits from all my hard work & efforts & hope they pay off. First off, If I'm thinking of delving further into the South Pacific I need snow- ASAP! Friends on the Mainland raved with week about Mt. Baker as well as Mt. Hood & all the fresh powder so early in the season. So that's cooking on the back burner. Thanksgiving... thinking my 1st draft is due for my professor around the same time, but also thinking of getting away to Hilo, or South Kona specifically. I just saw family pictures of my brother & his wife crabbing in Charleston, Oregon recently & it makes me pine to hang with them as well. Fond memories of crabbing & clamming on the Oregon coast 2 Thanksgivings past... But the school factor and travel too far away just isn't setting too well w/me right now. No I cannot lose focus just yet.
Returning to a dedicated yoga practice as well as running at sunset routine has definitely increased my energy & productivity! I am amazed how open my eyes are to everything right now. Tonight I ran through a eucalyptus forest and my eyes started watering as my nostrils became infused w/that clean, pine scent. I'm blown away by the beauty in all. Was I just not seeing it recently? Of course. I did see beauty though- beauty of academia. When you get into that research mode and everything seems ideal in that strange parallel universe.
In retrospect I probably wouldn't have worked so much as I have done the past few years in school. It seemed the only way, but there was so much I had to give up to fit work in along w/school. No matter though as something good is brewing from it. I am sure of it. Where is it brewing is the question: Istanbul, South Pacific, Alaska, South America...
To review, what are the necessities? I need yoga, I need a clean environment, I need culture, I need open space, I need science, I want a man... and not just any man. This man has to love what I do & where I go. If he can't go where I go, well then he still needs to love me. Who knows- that element always fluxuates.  That's right this is my brainstorming session & I'm cooking up the ultimate love potion: fantastic career, travel, lover = quality of life cuisine. Throw in a Chilean Malbec & some Moroccan limes for a delicious dessert & good to go.

opposites attract opposing forces

Been a long time since I had enough time alone w/myself to really just clear my mind. So much put on the back burner so I could give school my all.

This weekend was monumental. The hike up to the top of the ridge was long and difficult and incredible and after this weekend I find myself atop the ridge looking down to the other side... A most amazing wave of sweet exhalation keeps breaking atop my head now. Steam is emitting. I did it- I made it to the top of the ridge on this journey I took alone. Well, pretty much alone. I tossed people to occupy that small space in the back of my mind along w/everything else. It was a solo journey with some sweet hiccups!

So tonight I find myself pleasantly tuckered out.  Nico and I climbed another mountain at work today. How can 10 acres be so full of overgrown weeds that don't take kindly to machete? I admit I was holding the clipboard... and map ... and flagging tape ... and compass ... and most importantly the sharpie and poor Nico was left to forage ahead and pave the way- for me, so I could use my sharpie to write on the flagging tape, and mark off on the map...  Yes it does sound sexist doesn't it- lol. At any rate, I did get jealous at one point looking at all the sweat pouring out from him. We kept to our own tasks though! It was fantastic to be out surveying the land in all of its thorny weediness. Gosh it made me feel really alive: hiking over uneven terrain coming up into gullys, arroyos, criks (think creek but pronounce crick). So here in Hawaii they call them swales and bulldozer push piles from 40 years ago... The point being that I was holding onto the elements to keep from getting sucked down into them. It was incredibly rich. All that cerebral, mental studying of books every night, all night; up until all hours on the computer logged into classes, blocking everything else out- well today was sweet that's all. The weekend proved fruitful for me & literature review & power point critical needs analysis presentation turned it... phew!

Now that I'm atop the ridge looking over I get glimpses of what I abandoned behind in storage. Pleasantly exhausted from work, I lay here on the couch getting my one woman party on w/an adult beverage & then some. My tarot cards suddenly jumped out of my closet & into my mind & moments afterwards into my hands. I have this friend who it seems is sad & I thought could use a card drawn for them so I can gather some insights about them. I'm a bit worried about them & don't know if they are alright- emotionally, mentally, physically, financially- whatever.

If there can be no verbal communication, so then shall it exist on another level- a level where I know my powers. Now this friends level, a level many people in their predicament they think they can sink into under the radar- especially if they are far enough away. A friend always knows these things though, well this one does anyway. So after a few deep breaths, turning off lights & a Moroccan blood orange candle burning (I know you're thinking cliche but I say just wicked cool).  The reflective mood made me feel human again, not just a knowledge sucker out of academic books, journals & articles to theorize, hypothesize & debate among colleagues.

7 of disks: failure- the Aleister Crowley Thoth Tarot deck
Never a card to be anticipated honestly. Interesting as it was raining hard earlier and right before I pulled the card it stopped raining and got very calm. Kinda like 'it' wanted to stop raining so I could concentrate on openness. Now that I contemplate the 7 of disks & my friend the rain just came pouring down- like a cacaphony of news not necessarily well-received by either of us I suppose.  What is the bright side of a fall from paradise into the abysses of fate? Ok I just have to quote this as I couldn't possibly reproduce this paragraph- even in the creative state of mind/body I'm in right now:

"Failure is the name of the card and program for its downfall, and so the Seven of Disks talk of hopes deceived and crushed, of unfilled promises, loss of fortune, dealings that first sounded good but later revealed as short-living or cheating, false successes with no lasting benefit, that in the end had cost much more than they had gained. "


There is always a bright side though and that's the beauty of coming out of despair:

"The hope within the card is the hand of Saturn, the father of time, who reminds us to wait for a chance instead of quickly jumping after any vague promise, to silently watch and reflect and get deeper insights into the coherences, until the time will come when a real chance shows up."


http://www.corax.com/tarot/cards/index.html?disks-7


I can't say if my friend can feel that I am thinking about them right now & I might never know but I feel a sense of relief. The card reveals much about myself as well- in feeling very fortunate that I have not had to contemplate this harsh aspect of life too closely. I wish for my friend to recover from their journey & become once again a part of the world where people move their mouths around as well as the muscles in their mouth to produce different sounds and pronunciate vowels & consonants in order to construct words into sentences based on thoughts.

Some people just don't get it- friendship

I am woman hear me roar...metaphorically speaking... or not

I am blessed. I feel strong: strength, compassion, valor, sensuality- all of it I have channeled & this is it. This is the weekend. I'm walking the walk, talking the talk. Anticipated end result: more strength, more compassion, more valor & most of all... more sensuality. Everything is illuminated. I have faced fears, challenged myself to such extremes that I have re-designed how I view things. Of course this is a metaphor for school, and life- my take on my things.

Such mental exhaustion brings me to the final push. This volume... yes this is the one. The NYC volume? My take on that... that was a trial run. Some minor obstacles threatened to lead me astray. I saw through the weakness; the weak link that so often destroys much of humanity by leaving them to recoil in their passive-aggressive sorrows, real or imagined. I'm not one to be taken down w/lost souls, but I am grateful to learn valuable lessons from reflecting at a safe distance.

Continuing on in the tradition of metaphor, I realize sometimes one just has to go to that dark place in order to recover. As long as that is the goal: recovery- then ok, alright have at it, get it out. Don't get too comfortable though because it's a beautiful life. There are so many volume's to fill so don't waste time in one w/a disappearing plot. I'm all about the plot thickening- into a garden of earthly delights. Yes I throw flowers from my delightful garden at your contemptuous self-pity.  Take that fragrant blow to your ego- such an all-consuming target with blinking bulls-eyes- neon lights conveying the message, "do not disturb friend." What's this here? Decomposing organic waste lay at the feet of your petrifying armour awaiting for your soiled self to mulch itself back into the earth and re-birth anew. Hopefully yours is of  the hearty-annual blooming variety otherwise you're a seed waiting to be sown in vain...

brain is leaking, knowledge is escaping

My brain is maxed out at capacity. It hurts. It seems to be leaking... There is too much information all bottled up. I keep spittling out useless information at the wrong time. I am consumed with dribble- everywhere I go & anything I do I digress back to thoughts on this bloody thesis... It's as if I've gone mad. I must be talking in my sleep as I wake up & my mandible hurts. Gosh why can't I pound the keyboard in my sleep and get 'er done already. Six more weeks of this self-inflicted torture... can I endure? Of course but will I keep my sanity intact? Will I be any smarter for it all? Will I get a raise? Will I get a vacation from myself? I could use one certainly. How to dislodge my mind from my body??? Bloody hell I"m boring even myself. To quote some witty person, "I feel like a run-on sentence in a punctuation-crazy world." I wish I knew who said that. I suppose I could just f#cking google it actually...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=jfgi

ok couldn't figure out the answer to that last question... I know exactly what I need- a good dose of David Sedaris! Yea, Thursday night I'm going to check him out at the MACC. It is this dry, raunchy humor that I need right now to slap me in the face and render me stupid for a few hours so I can return among the living that embrace a witty sense of humor. I'm ending here as I've bored even myself tonight w/all this spittle...

All Hallows Eve Paia 2009

...And good times were had by all. A fairly tame evening for the ghouls & goblins this year. That's ok though. Honestly at some points throughout the evening I thought about additional points I wanted to work on for my thesis... That was in between the wine shots, the flasks of tequila & rum... The outfits weren't innovative. Mostly it seems a night for a free ticket to wear cheap, tacky lingerie made in China and walk around half naked- hardly innovative by my standards indeed. I mean that's an every day occurrence here in Hawaii- lol!


Moving along to Sunday morning fast forward to Haiku to the soggy lands of Bamboo Mountain. It's a fantastic morning lying in bed & drinking Italian espresso with the pouring rain tempting me to run naked through the property & gather some passion fruit for breakfast- no tacky Chinese lingerie for me- heh heh! I've been missing the rain so much these past few weeks of Hawaiian doldrums so I feel it came yesterday afternoon bringing good news. That the rains came on my father's birthday as well was pleasantly serendipitous.  The greatness that was that man lives inside me and constantly gives me courage to make choices about my path that I believe are the right ones.

My most recent choices are to spend christmas w/my mum, to check out grad schools w/progressive PhD programs in critical applied linguistics, and to slow down in life & take the time to let me have my mind blown again...

All Hallows Eve

All Hallows Eve- the dead of night on October 31st. A time when the spirit world and the living world collide & become one: alchemy, hocuspocus, necromancy, enchantment, abracadabra- all of it. Midst these aberrant and metamorphosing hours of nocturnal obscurity many of the living personify unconventional character traits...

Admittedly my favorite hollyday, as well as the day of my father's birth, RIP, so there is much to celebrate out of pagan & modern traditions alike.  Who doesn't like to escape the reality of typical events of everyday life- and with a legend to bring more depth & meaning into the event...well, I say go for it. Get your spirit world disguise on. This Halloween, unfortunately falls on my last 6 weeks of graduate school. Deciphering this secret code means I am very stressed out & any spirits trying to identify me in a crowd wouldn't be able to do so even sans requisite costume as stress seems to have altered my very DNA thereby reformulating myself into a walking ball of stress (great costume idea...). But alas, I did stay up most the evening studying, as well as dedicate most the day to studies as well. I will be free tonight to mingle amongst other revelers into the twilight. Granted my creative juices have been limited to thesis writing, but some have spilled over into costume preparation fortuitously for myself! What can I say, I'm casting myself as a Buffy the Vampire Slayer "extra"... Unique concept no doubt. No one else will have it... whatever.

Yes, coffee in bed- hello cozy bed, aromatic Italian Roast espresso wafting by, breezes blowing my curtains about dazzling me in my stupor... It's been a long time since I've had the luxury of being in my own bed & able to relax into the morning instead of jumping out @ 6am & racing off to work @ 6:20am. The cessation of trade winds for the past 2 or so weeks has lead to no improvement on my cheery disposition either. BUT interestingly enough, my smile resurfaced again a day or 2 ago when one of my professors reached out to me and told me I need to continue on in graduate school & pursue my PhD in Applied Linguistics. I was told my concepts were very advanced & I now need to use my masters to teach & gather data to support my thesis proposal! I can't believe how happy this made me! Strange because I think I'm losing my mind w/this MA... lol. Ever the Sagittarius Fire Horse. Speaking of which... I've re-though my "Holly's wishlist for Santa Claus" this past week. I'm getting myself the damn ukulele- OMG they have electric ukes too! I want Santa to bring me a MAN. Yes, a real man. It's the perfect birthday/graduation/Christmas gift all wrapped up into 1 hunky package. He might have a hard time finding his way to me though as I believe I'll be out near Lake Superior & those parts experiencing, no doubt, that phenomenon when the Lake is soooo cold that ice crystals get sucked out  up & cover the entire area in a mist... what do they call that again? I think 'lake effect' Here it is:

Lake-effect snow is produced in the winter when cold winds move across long expanses of warmer lake water, providing energy and picking up water vapor which freezes and is deposited on the windward shores.  The effect is enhanced when the moving air mass is uplifted by the orographic effect of higher elevations on the downwind shores. This uplifting can produce narrow, but very intense bands of precipitation, which deposit at a rate of many inches of snow each hour and often bringing copious snowfall totals. The areas affected by lake-effect snow are called snowbelts. This effect occurs in many locations throughout the world, but is best known in the populated areas of the Great Lakes of North America.
If the air temperature is not low enough to keep the precipitation frozen, it falls as lake-effect rain. In order for lake-effect rain or snow to form, the air moving across the lake must be significantly cooler than the surface air (which is likely to be near the temperature of the water surface).


Lake-effect snow. (2009, October 1). In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 19:37, October 31, 2009, fromhttp://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Lake-effect_snow&oldid=317222920


Ok there you have it- complete w/APA style citation (any quality researcher can tell you that you are nothing without facts cited... See, what a geek. I deserve to suffer 3 more years through graduate school. As well I'm kinda thinking New Zealand as there is a long tradition of anthropology/archaeology, as well as critical applied linguistic study at PhD level there... Wow. It's too much. I need to finish my paper still. No, I need to watch an episode of Buffy right now & drink my coffee and plot...
HollyMissBerry

deep & remote

The spirit of research. It's amazing how polished I feel in becoming more & more solid about my masters & visualizing the end of this amazing
journey. Once again I journey far away from myself & find myself in the process. Perhaps though its more like finding out more about myself- isn't that what's supposed to happen. I feel so in sync these days with my mind's fruition making sense of hands touching books & absorbing knowledge.  It's like ancient henna scrolls tattooed onto my body as the knowledge seeps in- seeks in- covering up my nakedness, my my reservedness, my shyness.  I am freed of my inhibitions. There is nothing to hide behind- not even  knowledge of powerful words. Instead I want to face it all head-on. I'm ready to get deep and ready to get remote.

This past weekend... changed me. It instilled something deep inside me. My cauldron of creative juices indulged- enough to increase my thirst leading on a path towards overindulgence. I like the thrill of this perceived edge right now.
I just flashed on what book I will treat myself to upon graduation. What book for my own reading pleasure will consume me? What book will be my reintroduction back into the world of pleasure reading? Any suggestions from all you phantom readers out there? I dare you all to peak my curiosity...

Science-fictional Flower Power

Pleasantly satiated w/ the thrill of life... Not overindulged but the kind of satiety... well I'm gratified to capacity, as opposed to beyond, presently. 


Had a most incredible journey this past weekend over on Oahu for the SHA conference (Society for Hawaiian Archaeology). I got my mindset outta my current academia and reloaded my past academic file up on the hard drive and just went with it. Fantastic to push homework out of my mind all weekend and just fall in love again w/archaeology. Of course content was political, it was refreshing the coming together of so many ideas, theories, stories, urban legends, amusing tall tales, etc. Damn we are a quirky cast of characters! 


It was like homecoming. Like coming home to another family of mine. Some are carnies, some are distant cousins from the 'other' side of the family that no one talks about, some are demigods/demigoddesses that I am still shy to strike up conversation with, some are future collaborators, some past mentors: all of them though are full of true grit. One in particular I'm gathering up courage to approach about what I want to do with my pending Masters (Dec. 14th!) and synthesize it w/my anth/arch heritage to make a kick-ass position for my wandering self. 


It's all coming together... I'm starting to relax into gradual acceptance of it. I'm even craving a taste for basking in the glory of it for a few morsels of time. That piece of paper that sums up so much yet so little equally. Just enough to help recover from the brief reflections on how excruciatingly painful the journey was- so bitterSWEET indeed. I love me some bitterSWEET indeed. 


My head begins to swell with so many different ideas that continue to expand. I've told myself for so long it's all about getting back to Istanbul, but who knows? This weekend stirred the juices of creativity. Oh and the sweet rains just descended down onto the night blooming jasmine outside my bedroom window... satiated w/THAT pungent aroma. Suddenly it stops & quiet resumes- enough so that I can hear my brain blushing. Yea, life IS good, really good & all this- these experiences rambling on while I walk this trail- well, I don't see the end of the path anytime soon! I see some snow up on the path in the near future, and a snowboard as well. 


So yes, back to the weekend. Honolulu was its normal hot, muggy, humid environ. The Uni of Hawaii campus is always refreshing entering up into Manoa Valley. I camped out in a few different hotels, albeit more like crashing on the floor of friends' hotels... The first night turning into a foggy morning w/my hosts offering me some Alieve (who knew it fought hangovers). I recall being up in the pool bar in theier hotel telling those tall tales to a captive audience...or not but I do recall we were all laughing. 


Every talk, lecture, debate, powerpoint presentation, etc was just quality. To hear of all the research going on all throughout the Pacific & the culture studies & calling out for more collaboration between archaeologists & linguists- well, that last one especially just makes me squeal w/delight! Oh how I wish I could get aboard that Samoa project in 2 weeks... How can I get out of work & school for a few weeks right before finals??? Damn it's absolutely impossible but to contemplate being a part of an emergency survey team put together to go to Samoa to record sites impacted by the earthquake & resulting destructive tidal waves- well that is a part of a history that could be lost forever & to help recover things like this, it is a moving experience that brings humanity together in beautiful ways. 


Some of the science geeks from Berkeley are on Maui this week in Kaupo continuing on w/their work and I at first thought, I can't go over Friday night after work & hang out & talk story because I'll have homework & it's All Hallow's Eve on Sat, but then again, how can I NOT go and take this opportunity to camp out under the stars & hang out w/these minds some more... Sometimes I wonder where my head's at. At those moments I take the time to smell the science fictional flowers and get the tent & sleeping bad out of storage, as well as the cooler & camp chair!Yea

The (reality)check is in the (e)mail

Don't ever wait to hear these words, or to think those words will someday end up in your inbox more appropriately... Looking out onto the horizon what do I see? I see chapters- my chapters. They are unknown at this point and it is exciting. I have not known self-discipline as I have these past 2 years almost. I have never felt compelled to discipline myself to the extent that my mind takes control of my body. The experience was so necessary, but I relish in knowing it is coming to an end. It's not so good to be so rational for so much of the time in all matters of life.
This rites of passage nears. If you asked me 5 years ago if I'd be going to graduate school I would of... well, I wouldn't of necessarily believed it for sure. That I went through the program in less than 2 years seems incredible, or exhausting- yes exhausting. It's so close to the end that I'm getting excited, impatient and exhausted all at the same time. Makes for a butterfly breeding farm in my stomach indeed. All these emotions choked up inside of me because I can rarely find the time to release them through yoga, running, the beach, the mountains- whatever. Turning down social events because I either have to study or I just have to have time to catch up w/myself and sink into a round or two of wall staring- which I might add has been thoroughly worth it...

Let's see one of last months highlights was driving to Kula to go to my dentist... a friend said, "I don't know who looks forward to going to see the dentist Holly". They don't understand- he's a throwback from the 60's this guy- a dentist to cherish for sure. It helps that he tells me I need to take up a diet of cotton candy & soda pop... Such a smooth operator that one. I actually did contemplate cotton candy at the county fair but opted for a carmel apple instead.  Tomorrow is the ukulele fest at the MACC so this takes precedence over wall staring. I've already told Santa to bring me either a tenor or concert ukulele... I've been good, that's bad.

Closer on the horizon though is Oahu next weekend. It is the annual Society for Hawaiian Archaeology (SHA) conference where everybody gets together & listens to what projects are going on throughout the Pacific. I'm excited for one of the keynote speaker's lectures on Friday night about the Polynesian Diaspora: The Chumash Connection and Beyond:
_______________________________________

****Keynote Address****

The 23rd Annual Conference of the Society for Hawaiian Archaeology (held in conjunction with the University of Hawai‛i at Mānoa 75th Anniversary)

 

"POLYNESIAN DIASPORA:  THE CHUMASH CONNECTION AND BEYOND"

Terry L. Jones, Professor of Anthropology and Chair

Department of Social Sciences

California Polytechnic State University, San Luis Obispo

Four years ago Kathryn Klar and I suggested, on the basis of material similarities (sewn-plank boat construction, compound bone fishhooks) and complimentary linguistic evidence that there was at least one contact event between the Chumash and Gabrielino of southern California and Polynesian voyageurs.  Since then, the long-dormant case for contact in South America has been renewed based on mtDNA and radiocarbon findings that indicate a pre-contact presence of Polynesian chickens on the coast of Chile. In this talk, I’ll review the evidence for Polynesian cultural contact with the Americas in the northern and southern hemispheres and ponder the question of why American (and some Pacific) scholars continue to dismiss the possibility of such contacts even though the passages involved were well within Polynesian seafaring capabilities.

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Professor Terry Jones has worked as a professional archaeologist for 30 years, mostly on the central California coast where he continues to study hunter-gatherer ecology and maritime adaptations. He has published over 30 scholarly articles in such journals as Current Anthropology, American Antiquity, the Journal of Anthropological Archaeology, and the Journal of Archaeological Science. His dissertation on the prehistory of the Big Sur coast was published by the U. C. Berkeley Archaeological Research Facility, and he has published seven other, monographs and edited volumes, including (with L. Mark Raab): Prehistoric California: Archaeology and the Myth of Paradise (University of Utah Press, 2004), and (with Kathryn Klar): California Prehistory: Colonization, Culture, and Complexity (Altamira Press, 2007). In 2008 he received the Martin A. Baumhoff Award for Special Achievement from the Society for California Archaeology and the California Polytechnic State University San Luis Obispo Award for Distinguished Scholarship.  He is editor of California Archaeology, the journal for the Society for California Archaeology.

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DATE: October 23 (Friday)

TIME: 7:00pm

PLACE:  UH-Mānoa Campus, Hawai‛i Institute of Geophysics (HIG) 110

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________________________________________
Yes always a kick to drink adult beverages w/ ones contemporaries & swap stories of adventures in the field. It's going to be a weekend of friggin cool cats conversing about what we love to do, and what fascinates, and frustrates, and amazes us and keeps us going. Really looking forward to jumping out of my current academia frame of mind concerning teaching English as a 2nd language and back into my academic roots- what spawned it all. What spawned me into this thing that I am. I've forgotten a lot about that person, or haven't had the time to to consider how much of that is still me so I'm looking forward to having my mind blown- to get outta my present state, out there on the horizon, drifting in a sea of desire, into the endless sunset.

The (reality) check is in the email? I seriously doubt it at this point. And even if it is, I've already drifted miles away into that endless abstract sunset that leaves me amazed w/life & my place in it.  That same sunset that leaves me shattered w/happiness when granted viewing privileges from the front row, down by the orchestra in the pit where the ocean roars.

Indian Summer

October has always been my favorite time of year. I love the changing of the seasons & it seems most evident in autumn. Even on Maui one saavy kamaaina can detect the, albeit subtle, change in weather. Last night was the night for me. It was cold in Haiku. Of course I haven't lived at elevation for a couple of years (3) as the last shack was on the cliff's edge in the lands known as Pauwela. So now I reside... perhaps 300ft. amsl (above mean sea level in tek talk).  I made full use of my Canadian goose down comforter. The statement in itself seems absurb put in the context of Hawaii but not really. I love to feel the nighttime air breeze past me while encapsuled in warmth. Even in Alaska in March I slept w/the windows open- certainly helps to have something respiring next to you though yes.

Why can I not stop thinking about snow? Steven's Pass & that sweet town of Leavensworth (?) nearby for the holidays or Hood? or Bachelor? Most likely Mt. Ashland though. Do I put my resume in @ University of Alaska @ Anchorage & get an interview so I can hit Aleyeska in Dec/Jan? Do I concentrate once again on grant writing & Antarctica- which I pondered bgs (before grad school)?  Finland? Norway & that damn ice hotel Nissa Nancy told me about? There's always the possability of hitting the southern hemi's winter in June in Argentina tearing up the Andes. Those were good times indeed- sweet enough for an encore performance surely.

This is what October feels like. I get so excited for a cold front. Hard to live out that fantasy on Maui. I did just see some pictures the other day of a friend snowboarding atop Mauna Loa on Big Island. I have always known about this- even when I went to UH Hilo, but never checked it out. Something about trekking up an 12,000 ft. volcano w/your equipment on your back & all that loss of oxygen I guess prevented me from doing so in the past. Perhaps now w/thoughts of needing to immediately start paying off student loans will grow me some balls to pull this one off. Perhaps I'll be invited by a certain someone to join in on this adventure.

My brain feels like it is going to explode and outside will shoot out October blossoms. School-related stress is like nothing I've encountered before. All these rantings of mine as solely to blow off some steam & keep it all together. With the coming of the autumnal equinox came a feeling of glee- in knowing that school will be over before the coming of winter. This keeps me going. Ok my head really does feel like it is going to explode now- but it is due to Oktoberfest moreso than stress on this  occasion...
more later...

feliform: having the body/shape of a cat

Embraced in the darkness of the bewitching hour by some unseen force, or compulsion really,  that continues to take me deep into thought about so many things so often. I've never grown out of this. There is something about this time, these times throughout my life that compel me to write down my thoughts- once through a series of journals filled with volumnes of barely legible, even to myself, chicken scratch handwriting (for some reason all these years of writing never improved upon my penmanship), and now through the a cyber-medium complete w/perfectly symmetrical Helvetica font.
At the Alaka'i St house these were some of my most favorite times spent w/my feline friend
Koloke K Kitty Kat, aka Jackie Love. I even still like to type his name. It reminds me of that time together- owner & pet, Homo sapiens of the Hominidae family & Felis cattus domestica of the Felidae family, mistress & faithful servant. He was a good boy kitty. I always loved to watch his reactions to the comings, and goings, (lol) of the men in my life. He played harder to get than I ever did! Snubbed a few.

So it's a night to think fondly of him. I guess it was just the drama of the weather lately in part: 2 tsunami warnings in 2 weeks due to earthquakes in nearby Pacific Island nations of Samoa & Vanuatu, 2 flash flood warnings, a Tiger Shark sighting, and most recently 5 days of no tradewinds & high humidity that dramatically conceded this evening to the opening of the heavens this evening & tears of fury-laden droplets unleashed themselves upon the windshield while driving back home from Paia town tonight after an evening spent with some good friends. This, of course, meant trying to momentarily navigate the windy road after 5 days of dust settled onto my windshield & suddenly simulate a mini mudslide occurring right before my very eyes on my windshield... This always makes driving exciting. You know, either more people drive out in the country with their highbeams on & ever so rudely don't dim them at oncoming traffic- also trying to navigate the dark, winding road, or I just need glasses. It sure seems like high beams everywhere. Cannot be. Must just be the hypnopompic effect of the rain & (low) beams (lol) hitting the reflectors that give off some sort of a vertigo dreamscape effect. Or I need glasses (did I say that already?) So perhaps I should stop flashing my high beams back at them during these encounters- lol!

1:30 am. I really need to sleep in. If I could wake up at noon or 11- now that would be nice. Let's see, what's on my schedule for tomorrow? Studying. Nothing else. I think I might of penciled in a sunset run (Yay!) & going to Paia Yoga's opening celebration (Yay!) but otherwise studying.  Doing a lot of fancy daydreaming about no more studying post Dec. 14th. A free woman! I get to rejoin my book club! I get to have time to read my Wired Magazine subscription. I get to have a social life again. I get to cut loose. Yea, I get to cut loose.

More than feeling feliform tonight I feel feline. I like it.

Daydream Believer

I fear the humidity has rendered myself melancholy this muggy evening. The only creature on island presently with energy still intact is the cat on my roof right now chasing a rat. Everyone else is stuptified into submission to this heatwave. Has anybody seen where the tradewinds went?

All this lethargic quiet time has given me ample ammunition to ponder. Yes, I have spent all afternoon cowering in my jungle hut not just cowering though but daydreaming. Daydreaming about life without grad school... 10 more weeks of this crazy stress which I have come to know so well. Only 10 more weeks of feeling guilty if I go out for 2 nights in a row & slack on my studies... Only 10 more weeks of carting books to the beach to study (not that I'm complaining too much about this endeavor as at the very least I am getting out of my shack on the rare occasion that I am not working). Only 10 more weeks of looking at men as only momentary distractions (interpret that however you want as I still am myself).

What is on the other side of the rainbow for me? The underside of the rainbow? A mirrored image? A parallel universe? Do I pick up where I left off & continue to daydream about Antarctica? Do I head back to Reflections Camp in Kabak Valley & just chill out on the Turkish Mediterranean for a bit? Do I just say 'fuck it' and go to India & have my mind blown? I'm so used to not having to think about what to do because it has been laid out for me & I've just been going for it. I'll need to create another challenge for myself- won't I? This is how I roll- isn't it?

The road to everywhere. This is what I know. I remember. I repeat. I always return to Maui, pick up where left off, settle into another comfort zone... for a while. Then the itch. Why am I all of the sudden thinking about Okanawa? About Finland? About Talkeetna? What do these have in common? They are all island-like. They are all remote. They all have a healthy diet of fish. They are all so far away from Maui. Crazy thoughts. Daydreams are funny like this. I tend to act on daydreams.

Daydreams turn to Nightdreams- no wonder I can't sleep more than 6 hours a night. Is it all the avocados I've been eating these past 5 weeks? What is this piece of paper going to do for me? Where is this piece of coveted paper going to take me next? I want it all. I want intellectual stimulation, I want esoteric stimulation, I want physical stimulation, I want emotional stimulation, I want scientific stimulation, I want artistic stimulation. Nothing to daydream about here- I already live this. I'm in fact overstimulated I believe. So much that I daydream about more hours in the day to accomplish all this. Somebody stop this train. Where is the pause button? My pause button since my return to Maui has been Buffy the Vampire Slayer- lol thanks Katie...

The Buffster, she kicks some serious vampire ass. Which has, of course, given me the idea of portraying Joan of Arc this Halloween. Or Edina of the Absolutely Fabulous fame. Of course I would need a Patsy... All this, these momentary daydreams though, they are just distractions. I said to a friend last week something to the effect of, "I'm living for the future so I can be in the present." I laughed it off immediately & decided that was an appropriate facebook status update but there was a certain element of truth that didn't sit easy within myself. It seems I am but existing for that day, sometime mid-December, when it is over. This chapter that has created so much desire, so much wonderlust, so much critical, cognitive analysis this is grad school at it's most coveted (for me) experience. Yes, that is my future. That is my date when the present begins. It is strange. I cannot become sidetracked as I have come too far. It's not difficult by any means, this dedication, and it has left an imprint deep within myself. A sense of pride & prejudice at the same time: it look some great moments in time, and it created some great moments in time- what doesn't. Nothing has come easy for me. Nothing has ever been difficult for me. Another friend & I came up with another, what some might consider fairly obnoxious saying, "I don't manifest, I do." We were in Charley's when we thought up of that one. I believe we were inebriated. We laughed it off.

So what if I really am a Daydream Believer? I suppose I will be just as busy post-grad as I have been. As I have always been because that's how I roll. Anyone care to have a go at it with me? We shall see. Everything is as it should be after all. Yea, I feel better already. Perhaps that's not the right wording though. Doubting words- and that is exactly why I am a Daydream Believer- no words need be exchanged.

the season of Holly

Sunday morning & coffee served in bed. How incredible it is that I  look out my window from the luxurious comfort of my incredibly sensous red silk sheets (!!!) & have an uninterrupted view of a wall of green sheer mass. The dichotomy of color saturation: the red silk curtains from India, against the backdrop of various exotics- all of which I might add are fairly invasive to Hawaii's flora... Ah, spell broken- slightly.

It's the aromas emitted from outside that waft in. It wraps itself around my body- fighting for space in between the silk sheets, as well as other contenders. But enough of that... that was last week's blogbits! The sweet grasses, the night-blooming jasmine (what lucky girl would NOT plant night-blooming jasmine outside her bedroom... all the better to intoxicate any man and render them senseless- kinda like the one-two punch). Again I find myself off track! So to proceed quickly & on track it's a smelly wonderland in this atmosphere. The addition of and Italian espresso roast... Sunday morning sanctuary.

Maui life continues to honor myself w/blessings of friendships and amazing events- this week no different. It's complicated at this point because I just want to cut loose but this last semester in grad school seems painful & I need to stay focused. I have been completely satiated w/life the past 20 months just working like mad, taking classes, running, going to yoga & little else. Certainly no time for manly distractions on a scale more serious than catching my eye & little else. There is a certain comfort to know I want no intense connections while I'm in grad school BUT as this is my last semester...

I was Skyping w/Australia yesterday, while studying, and I feel compelled to honor another connection. Last entry I commented on influential men in my life but there is one more element who has shared in my molding of sorts. Yes, the very Wild Thing. How can I not look back at my Santa Cruz years and just smile so wide. DP was so different than any chick I knew there. She's this wild Tasmanian that taught me to hang out on the porch in the mornings w/coffee, cigs (her) &  spliffs while rubbing papaya peels over our faces to soak in the enzymes while listening to Charlie Parker & company.

It was those formative years of mine that I used to look at her and just think, "wow, this chick really tells it like it is." What I have found out throughout the years that she represents almost a certain breed of females down under- she's what I would call the Alpha Female of the southern hemisphere. I say this because anywhere I've traveled throughout the world since meeting her, and I do mean some of the most remote places where females usually don't travel alone- well, other chicks I've met up & traveled with have been Aussies. Just true grit them. What she, probably unknowingly, taught me was to never compromise yourself, or your principles more so- for anybody- period. If people can't accept you for who you are, you can't will them to do so. If a man doesn't like you the way you want them to, they never will so just move on. She taught me to honor myself to trust my instincts- as others have but coming from a female role model, well this plays itself out differently.

Talking to her yesterday was like we were transported back to Santa Cruz, back to her little shack on 34th Ave, or back to the Boz's in the Jewel Box on the edge of the sea cliffs at Capitola-by-the-sea. It was a fantastic journey back through time. It made me realize my journey, my timeline is what I make it. I realize I have turned her stories that I so enthusiastically gripped onto every word back then, have turned into my stories. I have created my own stories. I now realize that a she played a crucial role in my becoming an anthropologist/archaeologist. My amazement in humanity & the legacy of cultures stemmed from many of our conversations- many of which consisted of copious amounts of red wine & other adult party favors... teeheehee! LOVE YOU GIRL. Also DP perhaps you want to think about investing some $ in Maui w/me & we can purchase some property... I've been thinking I want something permanent here to come back to while I continue to travel around the globe & work.  Good place for you to set up the family & do your thing...

Coffee cup now empty, the rain has abated to a background humming, the forest canopy still holding up the cloudy sky, and the red silk sheets still envelops me, it's time to concentrate on the day at hand: get up, study- that's it... It's no wonder I lazily lay in bed dreaming about the past and the future as present day seems less thrilling than said timeline! No complaints as, let's see, Friday night pau hana spent in the charming Wailuku town w/friends drinking red wine at Marc Aurel Cafe & listening to Kanekoa before heading out to the Iao Theatre for a showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show.

 Last night was the Maui County Fair- complete w/regrettable amounts of subpar carnival food- carmel apple excepted! I will say that the subpar food came just in time though as we polished off the bottle (red wine, of course) a little too quickly back in Haiku before journeying into town while catching one last episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I thought I might have one of those 'moments' but ended up keeping it together, lol! We did take a ride on the Ferris Wheel.

 I love the view of the island from Ferris Wheels. The lights of the Fair set against a backdrop of darkness- with a full moon glowing on the eastern horizon slowly making its way towards us. It was incredibly beautiful.  I love the fair. It represents a time of year when Maui is at it's most beautiful. There are subtle changes in the weather that are apparent to the 'kama`aina' or children of the land. It is most special. The winds of summer die down a bit, the first winter swells start hitting our shores, the parking lot at Ho`okipa fills w/happy, smiling faces of surfers taking out their guns that have been in storage since the last of the previous seasons winter swells. All of the north shore is full of people smiling! There are parking spots in Paia town once again. I love this time of year.

instinct- sound of the ocean soothes my restless soul- thanks Iz

The Intellectual

The intellectual is always showing off;

the lover is always getting lost.

The intellectual runs away, afraid of drowning;

the whole business of love is to drown in the sea.

Intellectuals plan their repose;

lovers are ashamed to rest.

The lover is always alone, even surrounded with people;

like water and oil, he remains apart.

The man who goes to the trouble

of giving advice to a lover

gets nothing. He's mocked by passion.

Love is like musk. It attracts attention.

Love is a tree, and lovers are its shade.

Rumi

If I am anything I am instinctual. I haven't made a lot of regretful choices in life. I have gained insight out of every bad choice. My next choice involves relocation- or more like beginning a process of setting up dual locations. I don't know that I could ever give Maui up totally. I have passed through so many rites of passage here that it is a part of me. I inhale/exhale Maui wherever I find myself. I hear in the back ground Israel Kamakawiwo`ole's "White Sandy Beach in Hawaii" and his "Country Roads" brings me to tears every listen. This place has a network of roots growing inside me. They nourish me.

It's also time to put down new roots in familiar places, or unfamiliar places. Istanbul calls- continuously. Istanbul drove me to my graduate studies. Why is it that favorite places drive me to such grand decisions? I wonder when a lover will ever bring forth this desire- to uproot. Travel is my lover that is always with me. I am always warm at night, always underneath the shade tree of my lover, always walking the beach at sunset, or hiking up a mountain peak with my lover. With one kind touch I am set free. Free to wander, to roam the far reaches of the globe. So much treasure out there. What is dream & what is reality? Will I ever let go of this lover? Iz sings it so beautifully, "In this life I was loved by you"

Listening to Iz tonight is like the stubborn lover that has overstayed their welcome. Thoughts of departing from Maui are suddenly stunted as the root mass grows in size within myself. Sturdy, steadfast- anchoring its vines throughout my limbs so I don't forget- never to forget this place that has imprinted its lifeforce in my DNA. Maui is quite the selfish lover indeed. Squeezing out any other potential suitors that vie for a chance at my affections. If you love something enough to set it free it may come back to you...

The thing of it is that I am just not satisfied or satiated to travel for extended periods. I've traveled up to 5 months at a time on a regular basis searching for some sort of regularity in this. It's just not enough time. There is too much in this world. One thing I've noticed though about Hawaii is that it feels so remote. It's these country roads I seek out anywhere I go. The souk's of Morocco, the marketplace on Kos in the southern Greek islands off the Turkish Coast, the mountains of Andorra La Valle... Ruta 40 through Argentina's 7 lakes region, the Black Sea region of Bulgaria, the shores of the Bospherous, the northeast beaches of Brazil, Valdez, Alaska... Maui is always with me. It never strays far from my most heartfelt intimicies. We are soul mates. I feel fortunate.  I wonder if others share these feelings about where they choose to live. They must.

Sunday morning aloha o ka aina o maui no ka oi

I see the morning stars. Laying in bed listening to the surround sound rain- I can hear the bass pumping from the Mackies to the northeast. Falsetto is dripping down off the gutter to the west. Sounds like Uncle Richard Hoapi`i & brothers playing some slick slack key guitar. I want to soar above the clouds to see where the rainbows are hiding.

It's so easy to slip back into Maui life. Everything is so inviting. A rainy day spent in bed watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 4 is even inviting. That is not my destiny today though. My true destiny is to stay at home & study but sadly that is not going to happen. Why can't I focus this semester? I'm working less than 50 hours a week (phew!), I'm actually keeping my shack fairly clean & tidy, my diet is centered around fruits & veggies- What is it? Who is it? Is it words? Lack of words?

Lexical choices- this is interesting. It's what people say, or don't say, or stop saying. What motivates some people to just stop? Incommunicado. Poof I'm gone. Buhbye. Then there is texting. When does it go to an extreme? In my Language in Society linguistic class this summer one of my classmates observed text-etiquitte between males/females. She kept logs of her texts between male & female friends. She noticed a pattern (you guys know how much I love to identify, follow & try to figure out underlying meanings of patterns in cultural behavior I'm sure...) of female friends leaving long(er) texts regardless of urgency of message whereas her male textors, including suitors, left brief messages & sometimes down to 1 word. She considered this a fundamental difference between males & females.

I wasn't quite buying it but then I decided to do my own research & check out my logged texts... bingo pajama. Same same. Regardless if my textor was a male friend or a male partner, it showed the same results: my female friends left more in depth, personal messages consistently. This is fine in itself as I really enjoy the freedom of texting- the lack of immediacy in it. The message gets across, no one has to be disturbed if they don't want to, there is a record of sent texts so traceable. etc. So many benefits!?

Now as I explained this phenomenon to another classmate in NYC, she immediately wanted more information such as, "so do these minimalist textors call you though? I didn't answer right away as I had to consult my iPhone... I think I was kinda not looking forward to delving further in that conversation- no I know I wasn't going to enjoy it. The proof is in the pudding- or the iPhone log in this case...  She went on further to say that real spoken conversation was essential in addition to texts & that society is embracing this technology (of course- as it is useful), but we are robbing ourselves of some other, much needed on an esoteric, spiritual, sensual, primal level; stimuli of other senses. You know what? She is right on some level. We sit around on our computers (such as I am doing right now as I blog, skype w/Brazil & sift through FB chat to see if Debbie of Istanbul is online...) in these... these environments- not artificially constructed, but certainly manipulated, checking for messages in inboxes, or calls not taken & going to voicemail so we can react at an 'available' time. I do it, yes. Don't we all? But is it right? Is it right for our human-ness?

Are we becoming more human by embracing technology or less humane by readily using it?  As an example I think about cyber love letters. Words can describe beautiful things & we can conjure up exquisite images but we can't hear the words- as they were meant to be heard. Now that I think about it even a handwritten letter tells so much more about someone's feelings that they are trying to convey to the recipient: you see the words filling up the pages and can feel the other person at the other end of that pen/pencil. You can trace your finger over their words and it evokes response, emotions. What does onscreen fonts do? Well it does effectively convey a message, but not a very sensual one as I see it- or as I read it. I'm a very sensual, tactile, kinesthetic person. I need this. I know this. There is no substitution for human-ness, human contact, physical-ness.

So if lines of online communication suddenly stop what does this mean? Does it mean the same thing as when one stops receiving handwritten letters? Does it mean the same thing as when that certain ringtone you have set from that certain person stops chiming? Perhaps it means nothing. Perhaps it never was anything to become nothing. Is my friend right- do people hide behind their texts because life is full of superficialities in this modern world? Computers are cold, hard objects unable to emit emotions. Are people turning this way too? Is this our destiny? To become so remote & robotic & emotionally unresponsive.

Tough considerations for a country girl such as myself. This is why I need to be connected to the jungle. To the knowledge I receive from it. The emotions it provokes in me while roaming around my shack in the bewitching hour listening to critters. I even managed to find solace in listening to the rats come out at night while in NYC. I took pleasure that something- even so banal- evoked an emotional response in me as I took breaks from my computer & schoolwork. I tried so hard to keep it together over there and find some sort of nocturnal beauty that could temporarily distract me from the cyber-reality of the situation. Back here on Maui I listened to the toads as of recent. As I was coming up the driveway last night, in my headlights I could see all the toads hanging out in the rain. Made me happy.

Who am I kidding- I can't find emotions in a text? Not so far anyway. I've looked for it. I've wished for it- sure. But I haven't found it & I won't so I can just stop looking for it. The jungle prevents me from being so unresponsive. The beauty & grandeur of Maui is awesome and can bring tears to my eyes if I think deeply enough about it. As well I realize I cannot  provoke emotions from someone not wanting to be emotionally responsive. The more time I spend in the jungle the more I reflect on my classmates dismay over our conversation.

On the flip side though, I have doubts over the legitimacy. This entry is point in case. This is very emotional. My emotions are flowing as fast as my fingers can tap away on the keyboard. I believe I am communicating effectively what I wish to convey. Maybe the problem isn't the intrusion of technology after all. Maybe the underlying facet has to do with timing. With that thought I end this entry as the timing just isn't right to delve into this monster right now because now it's time to watch 1 last episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer... I've decided I am complicated in the most uncomplicated of ways but not many seem to get it. It somehow gets lost in text/cyber translation...

5th time is a charm

Heading into the bewitching hour and needing to get this out of me. I've been pondering romantic relationships as of late- and of course that means self-analyzing mine. It's funny but I always refer to my most recent ex as my hex (pun intended). So it's strange, or uncanny, or quixotic? that he called tonight to chat. We talk like we never split up. We both know we did but... I don't know. Honestly we never talked about splitting up. I went to Istanbul, came back after many months gone and he moved to Jersey... We knew what it meant when I left, but... It was just some accepted thing, and this was fine. Some questions needed answering at different points in time but it was fine. Why is this? I mean I traveled the world with this man. We always had a great time. I guess I always knew he wasn't the right one, but the one for right now- that turned into many years. I suddenly thought, maybe I am his hex (no pun intended). Am I the one that bewitched him & never freaked out on him & never once in 4 years told him I was in love w/him? Is this the reason he can't let go in a sense? Is it because I always treated that relationship so casually that he is still attracted to our history? I think it is.

As I ponder this I remember back farther to my other romances, and by this I only consider 'the big ones' w/serious time invested & not just distractions. So ok 4. The first set the pace. I was so young & impressionable. Then came the introduction to yoga- and liberating my mind and the realization that I could have my own dreams & that I needed to have my own dreams & not just latch onto someone else's. I was an arm piece, knew it, was fine w/it for a while, then needed to rise above it. I was outta there so fast & on a plane to Hawaii soon afterwards. It never got ugly though. I just said I needed to go. I never wanted to take anything from him. I wanted a clean break- no struggles, no drama, no hate, no taking what wasn't mine to take. Years later I still hear from some of his friends who tell me that he always respected me for just letting go.

Next relationship ended w/another monumental rite of passage in my life- college graduation. That time as well I just needed out & needed to grow- on my own I told him. From him I learned to really understand the power of my mind & how I can rely on myself to make sound decisions... There was a certain element of my father in him for sure. He taught me to be independent- just like my father. To understand that other people couldn't make me happy unless I was first happy with myself. Such a valuable realization, yet one that seems to play itself out in my long-term relationships- lol. We soaked up the bohemian life of Maui together cruising around in VW Vans, late night gatherings conversing about the most esoteric topics in the universe & beyond, exploring the undersea life of this incredible island, and more. Oh, I never told this man I was in love w/him. He knew it, he didn't have to hear it. This has always been my thoughts on the subject. We still keep in touch.

So far it sounds like these influential men in my life has created a monster...

The next guy, well this was the one- the geologist. We knew we only had a set amount of time together. A year- he was not staying on Maui as he was only here for a job to raise $ to get to Chile. There was so much passion. As the time got closer for his departure, it just got more intense. Then the ideas of an afterlife of sorts popped up. It was a bittersweet day the day he left. He had another friend bring him to the airport. We both knew it would be too difficult. Soon thereafter I seriously considered selling everything & moving to Chile to be with him. I started the process, but after a while I stopped. I knew it just wasn't right as he had to go out & experience the world as per his original plans. I figured if you loved someone enough & let them go, they might come back...

After his worldly explorations we were back in contact & he wanted to come out to visit me again. It was a great reunion, & I saw it in his eyes, & it was in my eyes at first as well. By the end of his vacation he looked at me and he knew. He said, this is temporary right? We both knew it. Now this is the only man who has never kept in contact w/me. Again, no nasty partings, but no amicable lasting friendships either. This was the man who, our last days together (round 1), agreed that something really cool was developing... No need for words but they came anyway. This departure (round 2) though, that was it. I even tried to get ahold of him when I in turn left for Chile, w/another man, just to get in contact & the common denominator of Chile spurred interest in reviving the relationship into a friendship. Nope. Nothing. Years later a friend, who introduced us- who was his ex-girlfriend's best friend, told me he was married w/a kid & perhaps another on the way. I just always wondered why he never wanted to get in contact w/me- that's all. If anything, this is the man I think of- in terms of really having a relationship with- the kind I want to have again.

This brings us up to date w/the hex- the most current ex. You already read about him. There's more. There was a medical disaster. I was hated & loved simultaneously- told after the fact. Perhaps some scars incurred from this relationship- but not conventional scars. Scars, it seems, that bind us still. I told him once that if we didn't quit each other we would ruin any chances for normal relationships w/anyone else. That was close to 2 years ago & so far nothing to disrupt. Him though, he has someone else & I just feel badly for her. I shouldn't though. It's none of my business. He has assured me we can remain close. He is a good guy, just not, never, the right guy. I recently told him he was a much better friend than a boyfriend. I think he agrees.

Where does this all lead me? It's almost 1am & I'm listening to the rain outside. It sounds so sensual. I'm thinking I'd like to listen to it w/a #5... When are dress rehearsals going to be over! Why am I so complicated? I always considered myself low maintenance- lol