Music to accompany my words: Round Midnight by Thelonious Monk to help express my sleeplessness becoming a state of mind...
Leonardo Da Vinci mused that the greatest joy of sleep came from the satisfaction of a day fully lived. Well, I've lived nearly a fully-lived week without a full night of sleep...Ugh
Settling back into my routine here in the mid-Atlas Mountains, it seems that the last thing to fall back into place is...sleep. How much our bodies can endure is a result of how we train not only our bodies but our psyches. As I roll along through life, I realize the increasing importance of the latter; psyche.
I'm a person who hasn't experienced a lot of fluctuations in endurance- mostly because of how I was raised- I guess. My overarching approach to life's challenges is to look at situations as challenges to conquer with both interest and pessimism. This pessimistic approach, somewhat limiting of just letting pure joy pulse through any occasion, has served me well, and is a direct result of what I consider being raised by stoic parents.
Let me explain. When new experiences/situations manifest, as they do throughout life, there is excitement, and that drug is a good drug. Bodies crave endorphins and the after-party residue remaining. I crave this, so I go into any situation at the onset looking through it in only what I can describe as the 'cup half empty'. Because I don't wish to create dis-ease for myself, I respond proactively to situations by breaking down a whole into individual parts that can potentially result- an assessment of sorts. When I understand potential challenges to anything, I work through them better- to avoid, as much as possible, unfavorable results. As a result, I am able to fill up on endorphins that I so crave. And how beautiful it is. As I analyze my behavior more (what else would I be doing at 3:30 am lying in bed), I see that I approach any situation cautiously at first, and then when I've assessed all potential 'risks', I can then feel relief and satisfaction to let pure joy fill me.
This approach, or whatever one calls it, is not only a result of my upbringing but also through a career in scientific theory. Yes, archaeology. Scientific theory also uses this approach. So, my learned behavior and my trained behavior confirm 'me'.
Now, that being said, I have worked a lifetime to train myself to ignore this logical-ness at times. Sometimes I just need to simply stop this madness of logic. Turning off the mind, consciously, takes mindfulness. For example, I go to a yoga class. I go because my body craves relief from daily stresses. One thinks you go through a series of movements to shed daily baggage one incurs where your only focus are postures, holding the postures, and breathing. This is pure bliss to experience. But... as I am breathing in and out, my mind wanders- to the scientific mechanics of yoga: What this pose is allowing my body to release with each exhalation; what muscle groups are being worked; what vibrational level is pulsing through my body. All these micro-tasks are conscious challenges. You don't just unconsciously splay out your toes so you feel completely 'grounded', you have to be conscious about it. Achieving Uddiyana Bandha ('abdominal lock') is a conscious act. Bla bla bla. My point is, to achieve the ultimate state of liberation ('nirvana' or whatever your preference), it has to be a conscious effort. That's all.
But I digress... there are a few more 'creative' ways to unlearn my learned behavior, but they are for another time. Another storytime.
All this is to say that I'm undergoing a new stress right now and adapting to its challenges. I think I've almost worked through the 'cup half empty' scenarios, so I'm ready to experience the joy of the situation! The 'cup half empty' has been manifesting itself through sleepless nights, but yesterday was a beautiful breakthrough; I got home from work and took a 2-hour nap. This is amazing for me. I woke up feeling completely exhausted, took a shower, made tea, and immediately went into my bedroom and crashed. As Jim Morrison sang, "Break on Through to the Other Side"; mission accomplished.
So, yes. I experienced the great sleep, following the great sleep deprivation. Of course, I woke up from my slumber at 3 am, and I am here now pounding my keyboard at 4:30 am. Perhaps it's time for another nap now so I can wake-up feeling 'fresh' for work. Thank goodness it's Friday!
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