9.25.2009

5th time is a charm

Heading into the bewitching hour and needing to get this out of me. I've been pondering romantic relationships as of late- and of course that means self-analyzing mine. It's funny but I always refer to my most recent ex as my hex (pun intended). So it's strange, or uncanny, or quixotic? that he called tonight to chat. We talk like we never split up. We both know we did but... I don't know. Honestly we never talked about splitting up. I went to Istanbul, came back after many months gone and he moved to Jersey... We knew what it meant when I left, but... It was just some accepted thing, and this was fine. Some questions needed answering at different points in time but it was fine. Why is this? I mean I traveled the world with this man. We always had a great time. I guess I always knew he wasn't the right one, but the one for right now- that turned into many years. I suddenly thought, maybe I am his hex (no pun intended). Am I the one that bewitched him & never freaked out on him & never once in 4 years told him I was in love w/him? Is this the reason he can't let go in a sense? Is it because I always treated that relationship so casually that he is still attracted to our history? I think it is.

As I ponder this I remember back farther to my other romances, and by this I only consider 'the big ones' w/serious time invested & not just distractions. So ok 4. The first set the pace. I was so young & impressionable. Then came the introduction to yoga- and liberating my mind and the realization that I could have my own dreams & that I needed to have my own dreams & not just latch onto someone else's. I was an arm piece, knew it, was fine w/it for a while, then needed to rise above it. I was outta there so fast & on a plane to Hawaii soon afterwards. It never got ugly though. I just said I needed to go. I never wanted to take anything from him. I wanted a clean break- no struggles, no drama, no hate, no taking what wasn't mine to take. Years later I still hear from some of his friends who tell me that he always respected me for just letting go.

Next relationship ended w/another monumental rite of passage in my life- college graduation. That time as well I just needed out & needed to grow- on my own I told him. From him I learned to really understand the power of my mind & how I can rely on myself to make sound decisions... There was a certain element of my father in him for sure. He taught me to be independent- just like my father. To understand that other people couldn't make me happy unless I was first happy with myself. Such a valuable realization, yet one that seems to play itself out in my long-term relationships- lol. We soaked up the bohemian life of Maui together cruising around in VW Vans, late night gatherings conversing about the most esoteric topics in the universe & beyond, exploring the undersea life of this incredible island, and more. Oh, I never told this man I was in love w/him. He knew it, he didn't have to hear it. This has always been my thoughts on the subject. We still keep in touch.

So far it sounds like these influential men in my life has created a monster...

The next guy, well this was the one- the geologist. We knew we only had a set amount of time together. A year- he was not staying on Maui as he was only here for a job to raise $ to get to Chile. There was so much passion. As the time got closer for his departure, it just got more intense. Then the ideas of an afterlife of sorts popped up. It was a bittersweet day the day he left. He had another friend bring him to the airport. We both knew it would be too difficult. Soon thereafter I seriously considered selling everything & moving to Chile to be with him. I started the process, but after a while I stopped. I knew it just wasn't right as he had to go out & experience the world as per his original plans. I figured if you loved someone enough & let them go, they might come back...

After his worldly explorations we were back in contact & he wanted to come out to visit me again. It was a great reunion, & I saw it in his eyes, & it was in my eyes at first as well. By the end of his vacation he looked at me and he knew. He said, this is temporary right? We both knew it. Now this is the only man who has never kept in contact w/me. Again, no nasty partings, but no amicable lasting friendships either. This was the man who, our last days together (round 1), agreed that something really cool was developing... No need for words but they came anyway. This departure (round 2) though, that was it. I even tried to get ahold of him when I in turn left for Chile, w/another man, just to get in contact & the common denominator of Chile spurred interest in reviving the relationship into a friendship. Nope. Nothing. Years later a friend, who introduced us- who was his ex-girlfriend's best friend, told me he was married w/a kid & perhaps another on the way. I just always wondered why he never wanted to get in contact w/me- that's all. If anything, this is the man I think of- in terms of really having a relationship with- the kind I want to have again.

This brings us up to date w/the hex- the most current ex. You already read about him. There's more. There was a medical disaster. I was hated & loved simultaneously- told after the fact. Perhaps some scars incurred from this relationship- but not conventional scars. Scars, it seems, that bind us still. I told him once that if we didn't quit each other we would ruin any chances for normal relationships w/anyone else. That was close to 2 years ago & so far nothing to disrupt. Him though, he has someone else & I just feel badly for her. I shouldn't though. It's none of my business. He has assured me we can remain close. He is a good guy, just not, never, the right guy. I recently told him he was a much better friend than a boyfriend. I think he agrees.

Where does this all lead me? It's almost 1am & I'm listening to the rain outside. It sounds so sensual. I'm thinking I'd like to listen to it w/a #5... When are dress rehearsals going to be over! Why am I so complicated? I always considered myself low maintenance- lol