My spirits have been lifted & my mood restored. Tonight was such a beautiful reminder, no- slap in the face, that life is incredibly fascinating and that you wake up and you don't know what the day is necessarily going to bring. I had the good fortune to meet up with a whole cast of characters tonight- just people doing their thing in NYC & Phily from all corners of the earth. Together we represented so many countries and ideas and cultural values. It was poetry in motion- as well as poets, filmmakers, artists, and so many more hats that we all wear in life and interchange. It was THE setting for a NYC short story of a cast of seemingly random characters coming together to a function- yet whose lives are all intertwined- some more intricately than others. But the defining line is that this night changed all our lives- even if for a moment in time, it was our moment in time. It was a beautiful experience and those lexical choices cannot even do justice to what I experienced. So many memories of Istanbul flooded my body tonight. Not just Istanbul though but a continuum of travels that culminates in a treasure chest of memories that are instantly activated by a sight, smell, touch, verbalization. I traveled the world tonight through each person and all the collective experiences we brought together. We are animals imprinting our journeys through each others ears, eyes, bodies for self expression. It is a ritual, it is a necessity as cultural creatures for Homo sapiens to figure out ways of expressing ourselves to each other. It is primal. As primal as the nightsky cloaking the sun so we can commune in the darkness as our ancestors did. We must feel the connection- certainly looking into a bonfire long enough evokes these abstract images of states of hypnopompic expressionism- is it real? did I dream it? did I already live this? is this a glimpse into the future? are we all in this moment riding a wave of collective consciousness? This is our connection- make it meaningful, so as to recall the sensation of what made this night so mindblowing. Yes I do believe I got it right once again.
Sitting outside on the stoop watching the world go by. I find my mind escaping the clutter of the waking hours & the debris that comes with ingesting the city- this city. Escaping into these moments of peaceful awareness to reflect critically what I cannot, or don't want to process until I'm illuminated by the moon's evasive glow. It's more like an afterglow as the difficulty of sensing where it is with all these buildings in the way is frustrating in many ways. It's like I cannot find my way home. I search though.
With every search comes new beginnings. Never answers, just layers of textured truths than spawn more thoughts laying foundations for seeds of renewal. Thoughts on humanity & our conditioned response- how to rise above conditioned response & feel free. Freedom from attachment of patterns of expectation. Can one really be free of this at all times? I find it increasingly difficult to see this through. If we are still seeking answers, or enlightenment more appropriately, then are we free?
Opening myself up to truths- it's so vulnerable to put oneself really out there. To really feel something- something that you want badly, perhaps to feel it slipping, or lost, and to rise above & realize not all is what it seems- this feels like freedom tonight. Freedom comes at a cost because you have to understand the consequences. You have to handle it graciously. In this you are rewarded with enlightenment through a meaningful experience.
To understand the value in the meaning of the road less traveled. These back roads- I have found the most meaning in these juxtaposed roads with no roadsigns. Passion accelerating down a 2-lane highway suddenly taking a detour onto a pockmarked dirt road. Seemingly so unpleasant at first, it shapes into a distant gas station at the far end of the galaxy where you can refill your fluids and move along.
Suddenly craving some David Lindley. When I dance, as I danced this weekend, I am free. Free from conditioned response & expectations. Sweating next to other revelers in the heat of estatic moments of losing touch of conscious thought processes- this is beautiful- too beautiful to mess up. No pretenses, no inhibitions, just loss of control. These moments of higher awareness blow my mind. I need this- the endorphins it produces, the thrill of humanity in that moment working together as a group yet independently riding the wavelengths of freedom... it is inspiring.
Will there ever be 2 people that can continue on this lost highway, or do we find ourselves stuck in rips in the fabric of time and end up in parallel universes only to spend our time seeking out something that has already happened or currently happening on a different plane of existence?
The lesson here is to embrace all the forks in the road and challenge the unknown because what do we really know? We think we know. We want to know. We want to avoid taking the wrong turn because our more eclipsed comfort zone of being tells us to seek out conditioned response to stabilize. Our primitive minds know- I know. I want. I desire. I will not settle for anything less. There is no lonely highly when you love yourself enough to know- even if the sole hitchhiker on the road.
I always seem to get lost! I feel free. There are like-minded people that seek this. I tend to think they are down that pockmarked dirt road awaiting that moment. I always prefer the pockmarked dirt road. I don't necessarily know what this means. I don't really mind.
Finally- the bewitching hour has arrived. And with it my ever-growing family of school books gets shoved off the bed onto the floor to remain silent and not talk back to me. The soothing sounds of darkness calm my overactive mind. My body finally has a fighting chance to overcome my mind-ego.
Staring into the Hudson until my rational blurs and dissipates into a thinly veiled exoskeleton- finally succumbed into a more pliable existence. It is well into the wee hours of the night so I understand my body's innate will to seek out solitude here in this increasingly maddening city. It is naturally drawn to the stillness of the feminine energy that only seems to exist during the bewitching hours. This full moon so ripe pulls at my body rhythms as does the ebb and flow of the tides moving the Hudson. We seem to be breathing in unison. This is reassuring. As I stare into the nebulous horizon my eyes relax and my breaths get deeper and I begin to calm down. This city takes its toll on me. I can feel my pulse throughout my body now and it slowing down to a viscous primordial ooze that I am familiar with. This is more my rhythm. I know this feeling. I know the wealth of goodness that comes from it. Breathing in the negative ions from the obscurity of the twilight shadows. It is a beautiful dance and I am a solo performer tonight.
The waxing gibbous moon is overflowing with seduction tonight. I met a friend down on the Hudson after the movies got out (Moon- which I highly recommend, and Ice Age- which is what it is- a great movie to go into after your first movie has finished and not quite ready to return to studying).