10.07.2009

Daydream Believer


I fear the humidity has rendered myself melancholy this muggy evening. The only creature on island presently with energy still intact is the cat on my roof right now chasing a rat. Everyone else is stuptified into submission to this heatwave. Has anybody seen where the tradewinds went?

All this lethargic quiet time has given me ample ammunition to ponder. Yes, I have spent all afternoon cowering in my jungle hut not just cowering though but daydreaming. Daydreaming about life without grad school... 10 more weeks of this crazy stress which I have come to know so well. Only 10 more weeks of feeling guilty if I go out for 2 nights in a row & slack on my studies... Only 10 more weeks of carting books to the beach to study (not that I'm complaining too much about this endeavor as at the very least I am getting out of my shack on the rare occasion that I am not working). Only 10 more weeks of looking at men as only momentary distractions (interpret that however you want as I still am myself).

What is on the other side of the rainbow for me? The underside of the rainbow? A mirrored image? A parallel universe? Do I pick up where I left off & continue to daydream about Antarctica? Do I head back to Reflections Camp in Kabak Valley & just chill out on the Turkish Mediterranean for a bit? Do I just say 'fuck it' and go to India & have my mind blown? I'm so used to not having to think about what to do because it has been laid out for me & I've just been going for it. I'll need to create another challenge for myself- won't I? This is how I roll- isn't it?

The road to everywhere. This is what I know. I remember. I repeat. I always return to Maui, pick up where left off, settle into another comfort zone... for a while. Then the itch. Why am I all of the sudden thinking about Okanawa? About Finland? About Talkeetna? What do these have in common? They are all island-like. They are all remote. They all have a healthy diet of fish. They are all so far away from Maui. Crazy thoughts. Daydreams are funny like this. I tend to act on daydreams.

Daydreams turn to Nightdreams- no wonder I can't sleep more than 6 hours a night. Is it all the avocados I've been eating these past 5 weeks? What is this piece of paper going to do for me? Where is this piece of coveted paper going to take me next? I want it all. I want intellectual stimulation, I want esoteric stimulation, I want physical stimulation, I want emotional stimulation, I want scientific stimulation, I want artistic stimulation. Nothing to daydream about here- I already live this. I'm in fact overstimulated I believe. So much that I daydream about more hours in the day to accomplish all this. Somebody stop this train. Where is the pause button? My pause button since my return to Maui has been Buffy the Vampire Slayer- lol thanks Katie...

The Buffster, she kicks some serious vampire ass. Which has, of course, given me the idea of portraying Joan of Arc this Halloween. Or Edina of the Absolutely Fabulous fame. Of course I would need a Patsy... All this, these momentary daydreams though, they are just distractions. I said to a friend last week something to the effect of, "I'm living for the future so I can be in the present." I laughed it off immediately & decided that was an appropriate facebook status update but there was a certain element of truth that didn't sit easy within myself. It seems I am but existing for that day, sometime mid-December, when it is over. This chapter that has created so much desire, so much wonderlust, so much critical, cognitive analysis this is grad school at it's most coveted (for me) experience. Yes, that is my future. That is my date when the present begins. It is strange. I cannot become sidetracked as I have come too far. It's not difficult by any means, this dedication, and it has left an imprint deep within myself. A sense of pride & prejudice at the same time: it look some great moments in time, and it created some great moments in time- what doesn't. Nothing has come easy for me. Nothing has ever been difficult for me. Another friend & I came up with another, what some might consider fairly obnoxious saying, "I don't manifest, I do." We were in Charley's when we thought up of that one. I believe we were inebriated. We laughed it off.

So what if I really am a Daydream Believer? I suppose I will be just as busy post-grad as I have been. As I have always been because that's how I roll. Anyone care to have a go at it with me? We shall see. Everything is as it should be after all. Yea, I feel better already. Perhaps that's not the right wording though. Doubting words- and that is exactly why I am a Daydream Believer- no words need be exchanged.