12.14.2009

commendable behavior- I command it


Closing in on the bewitching hour & I'm in fine form.  I am in my official last week of grad school for my masters degree! I turned in my final draft last week  & it seriously feels indescribable at this point, almost to the point of void.  Rather anti-climatic perhaps even. Maybe just dreamlike  I think it's a dream so don't want to count on waking up & it's not reality. Pinch me- this is really happening. As I was running through the eucalyptus forest tonight I thought to myself that I have changed. Not overtly but something inside of me- something is different. If anything I am more sensitive now- towards myself & towards others. I am more demanding of commendable behavior- mostly from myself. In fact, I command it.

Just having free time seems an insane luxury: beach, yoga, surf, running, clubbing, parties & all around cheerful behavior. Now if only that one man I've been putting off until after school is over... if only he should call me w/that offer for coffee, chat & surf again... I'd surely be up for the cause... lol. If not, well then my loss I suppose but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get 'er done right? There was no time for distractions this semester. And BTW if you're reading, I wanna snowboard Mauna Loa this winter okay...

Speaking of commendable behavior, I've finally seen the light on other matters. You know, I'm not really one to have skewed intuition so it is odd when I start to doubt myself. Could I really have it in myself to possess non-commendable behavior where another human being is concerned? I ran into some hard evidence this past week while checking out the surf to verify this question ... I kind of wanted to duck away, but the encounter was inevitable. In the end it was good & I'm glad it happened because it never sits well- silence. I understand his view now as I've been recently put in the same shoes. He just wanted answers- simple answers to simple questions that I wasn't prepared to answer, or even felt the need to answer. My fault entirely. I have felt lame for so long over that one (4 years...), and continue to do so, but being confronted was good, yet I still feel ashamed somewhat over my cowardly actions. I hope never to repeat these. I won't soon forget this episode; the look on his beautiful face, the sick feeling in my stomach- non commendable behavior in its finest hour.

So karma has revisited me & now I see some insights into what is commendable behavior & what is not. Ultimately I've decided I was not so far off in being so bold. If one wants something in life, they must ask for it, and ask precisely. Might not get an answer but at least intent was there- commendable behavior. There is usually a reason why no answer is given, and it generally tends to reflect back to why the question was originally asked... heh heh! In the islands we say that is their kuleana. I am an anthropologist- I love this stuff. I am gathering my own data. I'd like to think I've repaid my karma debt.

So through school, yoga & life's teachings I learn that one can never have all the answers. I still continue to ask questions though. Commendable behavior & I command it.

Well into the bewitching hour now & I've set my sights on my beautiful ukulele. Most excellent-